Disclaimer: this post will be jumbled and may not make any sense, or it might make complete sense to some of you. But either way, this is my heart and mind right now, and I just have to share it. So, here goes…
Do you ever feel like you are just
waiting for this time to pass wishing this season of life away because you’re ready to move to the next one? That you’re so discontent you can’t wait to see what’s next?
Which is crazy, right?! I mean I’ve hardly been able to catch a breath with the move and yet I’m so ready to see what’s next. Since we moved, I’ve transitioned away from my previous job, and now that this has come to an end I just want to know what is next for me. Do I want to go into another career job? Do I want to stay in accounting/finance? Do I want to get back into teaching? Should I use this time as a short break (as originally intended) to give myself time to acclimate into a new town/new house? Do I want to do something totally and completely different, use this time to start fresh? Maybe get a certification in another field, one I don’t have any experience in but could end up being my passion? Something like writing? Or wait, is my end goal to be a stay at home mom, and if so doesn’t it make more sense for me to get a short term job and bring in some income until I get pregnant and have the baby? (AND AM I SERIOUSLY TALKING ABOUT HAVING A BABY RIGHT NOW?????)
Since I’m at home every day I take care of the house, the laundry, the meals and yet I wonder, am I doing all of these things to be a ‘good wife,’ or perhaps because I think it’s what’s expected of me? Am I just making up for the fact that I don’t have a full time job right now?
OR do I do all of these things to be thanked? Am I selfishly doing everything around the house when Greg is gone from work because I want him to come home and give me gratitude? Is this why I get defensive when he asks ‘what I’ve done today’ or if I have done something I hadn’t completed yet? Am I looking at all of these things to be praised? Maybe I’m not doing these things to be a wife/part of a team at all; maybe I’m only thinking of myself.
The hard truth is I don’t like who I am right now. I don’t like being unhappy, sad, quick to anger. I jokingly say ‘I’m not the easiest person to live with right now,’ but I’m actually not joking at all. I know I’m not making things easy. He really can’t win with me. I’m all over the place.
So there it is, everything I needed to get off my chest, to allow myself to say. While I’m giving myself time to grieve and figure out what’s next I feel like I’m asking too much of myself.
We’re okay right now without me having a job, the house doesn’t have to look perfect every single day, and the boxes are fine since we haven’t been here more than two months. Everything will eventually be put away. I need to be proud of myself for not running back to the place I’m so familiar with, getting out of bed, putting on real (sometimes just work out) clothes and ‘adulting.’
But then on the other hand, I feel I’m babying myself too much. Suck it up, Kelsie. Sure, you moved, but so what, that’s just something people do! Grow up, start making new relationships, love this season God has placed you in, wear freaking jeans for once and… ENJOY…this!
Love your husband well, fight this feeling of self pity.
Be thankful. Be joyful. Love well.
*All I do know is… I am one hot mess.