I’m at what I would consider to be the ‘contradicting’ part of my pregnancy. Everything I think/feel can be debunked by the next emotion/thought that crosses my mind. Pregnancy hormones kicking in?
- Days are being beat by a snail to the finish line while weeks seem to be flying: I can’t believe that we are quickly approaching the final days left in this pregnancy and yet most weeks by Wednesday I can’t believe it isn’t the weekend. I’m so tired of waiting, thinking today could be the day, or that pain could be the start of something. Stuck in between this ‘old life’ and ‘new life’.
- Her kicking sometimes legitimately hurts and I find myself thinking I won’t miss the pain, while I am brought to tears by the fact that in a matter of days she will be in my arms instead of living safely inside my stomach.
- Greg and I are starting to think each night ‘this could be our last night of a family of 2(+dog)’. Sometimes it makes my heart skip a beat and brings a smile to my face, other times it makes me want to curl up in a ball, put my head on his shoulder, cuddle Moose and dare time not to move forward.
- I am starving 99.9% of the time and yet my stomach feels like it’s the size of a pea so after a few bites not only am I overly full but heartburn is real ya’ll.
- I crave my ‘normal’ schedule, especially when it comes to my workouts and yet I know life will never look the way that it used to. There will be a new normal that will look drastically different that anything I could even imagine.
- I’m ready for her to just be here and yet frightened of her actually being here.
- Sleeping doesn’t happen much over an hour or so. Hips and back pain occur when I lie on my side (only way I can lay nowadays) and yet flipping isn’t something I can do while staying asleep and yet I know these pains will be transformed into feedings that wake me from my slumber every few hours.
And those are all just physical things…now on to the mental craziness.
I have always been an anxious person; childhood-teen-adult anxiety has never been something I haven’t had to fight head on. I vowed throughout this pregnancy to take a breath, relax and attempt to not stress so much for the sake of her and me. I feel as though I’ve done a fairly good job. I’m not like the pregnant woman in most Blockbuster films. I’m not shoving my face with ice cream at 2 in the morning, I don’t break out in a fit of rage when something doesn’t go my way, and despite what you might believe I actually don’t find myself crying into the pillow everyday over something small.
I’ve been proud of myself throughout this journey.
Yet, here we are at the end, and every thought about the upcoming arrival of our daughter that has been pushed to the side is becoming a reality and I’m finding myself unable to keep them at bay. I’m no stranger to pain (battling with kidney stones I feel like I have the right to say that) and yet knowing that I am quickly approaching more pain than I have ever felt before in my life is starting to freak me out. Going natural vs a c-section has never been a question in my mind and yet here I sit wishing there was a better third option because neither of those sound great to me right now. Judge me all you want, but yes I will take the drugs. All the drugs. But while sitting on the couch last night I suddenly realized exactly what that meant and panicked at the thought of a needle going into my spine. Never mind the fact that all of our family and friends that will be coming in for the delivery are no closer than an hour away, and because we have no idea when this all could happen I’m debilitated by the thoughts that no one makes it in time (while balancing the thoughts of having everyone here waiting around twirling their fingers, wasting time off because I have her a week and a half late). We have taken the parenting classes and while I feel somewhat prepared I can say I’ve taken more of the ‘ignorance is bliss’ mindset. I know what’s coming but I’d rather just not think about it.
Recently though… I’ve been thinking about it.
This has to be normal for all moms, first time or not, and I can’t for one second let my mind believe the lie that I am the only person to ever suddenly be worried/anxious/scared. So why am I sharing all of this with you? Part of me would love to say I’m writing this to let all the pregnant mommas our there to know they aren’t alone in their thoughts of fear. In reality this post is more for me to get it off my chest. To admit to knowing that while I have no control over much of the situation I also want to confess to believing it will work out the way it is supposed to.
Asking for thoughts and prayers as I go through the never-ending days and battle the physical/mental struggle that is called end of pregnancy.