Timeline

As of last month, Greg and I have been married longer than we were engaged, which is an incredibly fun thought to have.

Greg also calculated that we have been engaged/married for more time than we have known each other, as we got engaged a year and a half after dating.

I love this. 

I love having to pause and think what life was like before being married or engaged. I love that I really don’t remember life without Greg being by my side. I love even more knowing there won’t be a future without him there too.

I. Love. Us.

Little Break

I’ve taken a little break from posting, not because of a lack of something to say but a lack of time to say it.

Updates on my life (if you were wondering):

Throughout this move I have been working remotely for my previous job in Cincinnati. That job had become more than just a paycheck and those people became family. I said goodbye to that world last week as I passed it off to my replacement and while I am still going to be helping out for the next couple weeks, that left me hurting.

I also lost my grandmother a little over 2 weeks ago and while it was expected, it doesn’t make it easy.

The house is still…… a house…….. not a home. We had my parents in town for the funeral and while it was great having family close and even staying with me, it was very apparent I don’t know the area. We were constantly on our phones figuring out places nearby, and sometimes that just gets annoying.

We met up with some of our best friends half way in the middle for a dinner date and while it was not a far drive for either of us, we both got on the interstate and headed in opposite directions. Another reminder that I don’t go back to the place I yearn for.

I’ve also decided to start talking to myself as an adult. I honestly don’t think I’m in ‘self-pity’ mode but I’ve let myself feel sad. Now, I think it’s time for me to start allowing myself to feel happy; but that’s for another post.

So as life (hopefully) calms down for a minute, I hope to jump back into writing more frequently.

Thank you, deeply, for standing beside me through this journey.

May 24, 1980

My parents have been married 37 years today……37 YEARS!

Growing up, I swore I was going to have a marriage like theirs. They never let us kids affect them, or vise versa. If they were having an argument, it wasn’t in front of us; every once in a while we might have ‘felt’ the tension but there was never a raised voice to be heard. I’m sure times were sometimes harder than I realized, but that was the thing. I never realized because it was never detrimental to their marriage.

They met on the school bus as kids. My dad saved my mom a seat for months before she finally sat next to him. On their second date, my dad uttered the word ‘love’ and my mom laughed in his face. And to think they love each other more now than the day they said ‘I do.’

I’ve never seen a guy look at a girl the way my dad looks at my mom.

So Mom and Dad, if you ever read this: thank you. Dad, you have shown your three daughters how a man should love his beloved. Mom, you have shown us how to be a great wife. Thank you for loving each other through it all. For changing and growing but always choosing the other.

On behalf of all three of us…. Thank you. 

Global Positioning System

Or GPS (did anyone know what that actually stood for? Yeah, I did too…. totally didn’t have had to google it).

Anyway. THANK THE LORD for GPS! Honestly.

For the first time since the move I went out by myself and hit up the local Kroger. It is literally less than 3 miles away and yet I had to use some data and google maps it on my phone and still almost got lost.

Friends, I was nervous. Hello fearfulness, wanna go to the store with me?! Mind you, I’ve been to the grocery store a few  million times in my life. This time that didn’t matter. I parked my car and was fumbling with my keys before I even got in the door. I grabbed a cart, list in hand, and was on my way. Thankfully this Kroger had around the same layout as my previous Kroger so at least when I was going down the same aisle for the third time, I looked like I was doing it on purpose.

Eventually I made it through, bought almost all the things on my list (who needs rice anyways? I’ll just go back; maybe) and even treated myself to a coffee because everything is better with Starbucks.

So my first outing by myself is in the bag and thankfully I don’t have to do any of it again.

Except for the GPS part; I’ll be needing that for a while.

But Not Today

This will eventually become a great new journey. I will look back on these times, the fights, the unpacking, the figuring-out-a-new-house together, and be filled with joy. I will tell our children about how wonderful this season in our lives was, starting fresh “just the two of us.” We will grow so much closer through it all.

But not today.

I will make new friends. We will find a church to plug into. Dinners out will become habitual. We might even pick a new favorite pizza place. I will figure out if the boutiques on Main Street are worth my while and enjoy a doughnut at the local bakery. I will find a new job and possibly a new hobby or two.

But not today.

Life in a new city won’t be new anymore. I will know how to get everywhere I need without my GPS. I will know neighbors by name and be willing to ask for a cup of sugar when I run out. I won’t feel like a stranger, an outcast. I will probably pick up a little bit of the accent. I will enjoy living somewhere new.

But not today.

I won’t hate my house, it won’t be the place that I go and just sit in, wracked with overwhelming fear we’ve made a mistake. I will, instead, feel safe there. The boxes will disappear and each room will be decorated. It won’t just be our (new) house. It will be our home.

But not today.

No, not today.

Those of you who’ve helped me through this journey have told me many, if not all of these things, and probably more than once. You tell me the truth and I hear you. But if you want to know how I’m doing, please listen. I understand – and believe – these things will be true, but I can’t be forced into feeling them. I can’t ‘will’ myself to stop being sad and start enjoying life. For the first time in my life I don’t have a ‘place’ to go to, somewhere I’m comfortable with, that I’m used to. I’m in a new house with all my old things but it all feels like someone else’s. I go back to my old house, now completely empty, and cry over the fact that in just a few days my life was put into boxes and now this house no longer feels like ours. I don’t have a gym, a library, a Starbucks, or a workplace that I’m used to. I’ve never not had that. I’m not saying that I will sit in self-pity, eating only ice cream and drinking only coffee, only going out in yoga pants and ignoring makeup all together. I am still trying to live life and while I KNOW things will not feel like this forever, right now they just do.

When my house/life is cluttered I’m cluttered in my mind. The castle of boxes that just keeps growing doesn’t help anything. I like things in their place. And that’s the thing… they don’t have a place yet either. I have to give them that place and I don’t know how to do that.

I’m scared. Scared this feeling won’t go away. I’m nervous that maybe I won’t grow to like the town, the neighborhood, or anything about the move. That I might have made a mistake, that all this could be for nothing.

I’m lonely. I miss my friends. I miss my comfort zone. I miss being able to just do life without having to work or think twice about it.

I yearn for a long hug from my best friend and mom.

And yes, I’m (a little) excited, too. I get to start fresh. I can do whatever I want to the house, I can do whatever I want in my career. The sky really is the limit. Greg and I are in control and that’s pretty awesome.

But mostly, for now, I’m sad.

I’ve never had to mourn a place before, mourn relationships that aren’t going away but are changing, and maybe changing forever. I’ve never had to mourn the fact that life in my old town will go on without me. Everyone will have a new ‘normal.’ And that ‘normal’ won’t include me on a daily basis.

So how am I?

I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m scared. But I’m also believing and hoping and praying that one day all this newness will be exciting and fun and full of promise. And then that one day the new will feel familiar. And then that where I am now will feel like home.

But…not today.

 

What’s Been Happening

BIG REVEAL!

2 posts ago I mentioned I had some huge news! That’s right readers, today is the day of sharing!

Greg has been relocated and we have decided to move. Actually that’s a lie. We have already moved. I have to apologize for keeping everyone out of the loop, things moved fast. We hardly had time to tell family and friends before renting the U-Haul.

So here I am, typing this post from my new box-filled house, about an hour away from home.

How do I feel about it, you might ask?

Well…

That’s for next time.

Take a Breath

For some reason I expected life to slow down after we actually got married. That was dumb. Laying in bed a few months ago I thought, ‘I don’t think life could get any busier.’ That was dumb, too. I should have known better. So what do two totally sane people do in the the middle of a succession of seasons of constant change?

We take a trip, of course!

Greg had a conference in D.C. – a city I’ve been dying to see – so I hopped on a flight and we made a quick trip out of it. We spent time away from everyday living to hit our nation’s capital, just the two of us. We ate at local joints, saw all the sights, and laughed; reallyreally, laughed. After just a few days, I really don’t feel much has been left unseen (one day I tracked over 42,000 steps on my Fitbit; YIKES!) and yet it has been so rejuvenating. I’m exhausted. My feet hurt, my legs ache, but… I’m refreshed, coming home, ready to take on all that lies ahead, every new change, every busy day. I am We are ready for it! That, my friends, is a good feeling.

So I am here to encourage you, from experience. Take the time, take the vacation, take a breath from life. While it might seem like a mistake, not the right timing, or completely insane to spend even more money; I beg you. Take it.

You’ll thank me later.