This Season of Life

I’m not ready for the cold. I’m not ready for the flu season. I’m not ready for the jackets or the gloves or the hats. I’m especially not ready for the season of wrestling the toddler to put on the heavy jacket shielding ourselves from the cold just long enough to get out to the car and take it off before buckling them into their car seats.

I’m not ready for scraping my windows.

I’m not ready for seeing my breath even in the afternoon.

I’m especially not ready for snow and ice.

In this season of life you can find me indoors, by hopefully a fire, a huge blanket, and a wonderful novel.

Is this where one would say ‘first world problems’?

August Milestones

Do birthdays really even count after 30? If it’s not a major birthday, it’s kinda just another day that maybe involves cake (or homemade cookie sandwiches for me) and a fun dinner.

Anyways, I celebrated a birthday and the very next day my toddler started her 3 year old school. We were quarantined during the actual ‘first day’ because of exposure (we didn’t have it, thankfully) but no matter the timing that was the first day this mommas heart was broken. She didn’t cry, she’s such a champ. I told her she was brave and strong and smart and so loved and she nodded and walked her little bottom into her school.

I reserved the right to pull her out of school if she couldn’t quite emotionally/physically/mentally handle the transition and I still do.

Probably should have reserved the right to pull her for myself if I can’t stop crying after a few weeks every time I drop her off.

Kidding.

Kinda.

Sweet Summer Time

AUGUST? AUGUST?

Where did sweet Summer go?

Yesterday in the mail we received the worst letter, my sweet girls school list. I cried. Now I’m not going into homeschool/public school debate but we have decided to put our oldest into a 3 year old 2 day a week preschool. Not only for educational purposes but this pandemic was tough on her little heart. My outgoing child became someone so afraid of strangers and masks and everything that has come with the last year and a half virus. She needs socialization and she needs friends. Poor thing is so sick of me, she can’t handle it.

While I can not wait to not have her as my shadow, the reality hit hard. She will start school, the next chapter in her life that will last the next 18+ years. She will gain a routine that will only be broken by summer breaks and short family vacations. The life as we know it at home, just the 2 (+baby sister) is coming to an end.

Bittersweet.

I will try my best to post the week of her first day to let you know who cries harder. My money is on myself.

Enjoy the last few weeks of Summer, mommas. Days are long but the years are short.

Open the Windows

In the days full of mental social media comparing…

The baby crying….

The toddler tantrums….

Unexpected heartbreaks or unmet expectations

When life feels like it is crumbling around you; I encourage you to open the windows.

You don’t have to leave the house or your room. Just open a window. Feel the sunshine. Breathe in the air. Take a second, don’t think, just be.

Open. The. Windows.

You’ve got this.

Jumping (In) to Feeling Left (Out)

Truth be told, I’ve never really had an ‘in’. Middle school, high school, even college I was a part of many different crowds never really the center of just one place. There were always pictures that I was apart of, parties I went to, fun nights out but rarely ever planned by or hosted by me. When push came to shove I had friends but I lacked a group.

Then I grew up. I realized numbers didn’t matter but quality did. I have a small circle but goodness that circle is tight. I actually just said the other day ‘the people who are in my circle right now, will probably always be there’. I mean honestly, they have been there through relationships, job changes, distance and kids. Lord willing we have a lot more ahead of us.

And then I felt the same twinge of feeling this weekend that I haven’t felt in a while. I was left out of something, completely in the black, and thanks to social media I found out with everyone else. I had to fight back tears.

How quickly can I go from being an adult to feeling like a teenager again.

After some reflection I realized that yes, I was left out but you know what? That was okay. I’m currently writing this post while trying to rock my baby to sleep while watching her older sister sleep play in her bed and I thought to myself ‘this right here was worth missing out on something else’.

Where my life is right now, I will miss out on things. A lot of things. I have to make it back in time for an early bedtime or at least one good nap in the middle of the day. I don’t pick up fast food 3 times in a day (if I can help it) for my kids simply because I would prefer them a home cooked meal, meaning I often cut play dates short to prep. We have time frames and short attention spans. I am the mom at the park running around with her toddler while the baby is strapped to her in a sling. I’m the one who checks her phone and has to go because there will be an overly tired meltdown coming soon, I just know it.

I will miss out on a lot. I will look at the photos and probably even ‘like’ them. I will sadly feel like a 10 year old again who wasn’t asked to go to the it girls’ birthday party but then I will kiss my toddler goodnight and remember these days will be short. The naps will become school hours, field trips or even worse college visits. They will be spring breaks and moving boxes. There will be wedding planning, yikes.

As of now my life consists of: nap time, snacks, and middle of the night feedings. Crafts, homeschool, play dates and picnics. Fundamentally raising two girls in Christ. There isn’t a lot of down time. But life happens and sometimes that means I have to pass.

In 5 years I will probably still choose a 10PM bed time when I get the chance so I’ll miss out on more then too. Maybe nothing really has changed 😉

Calling All Moms

We. Have. To. Be. Better.

Yes, I am laying it all out on the line right there. The amount of mom-shaming content, radio conversations, podcast posts that are out there right now has absolutely worn me down to nothing. Let’s get one thing straight; we are the only people in the world who have BIRTHED another human being…. that right there should put us on each other’s team regardless.

Us moms understand the late night feedings/rocking/soothing, the early morning fever, the teething, the eating too much or not enough, the middle-of-the-day-when-it’s-literally-the-worst-time-but-it’s-the-only doctor appointment available, the buying new clothes that don’t fit or that do fit (perfectly!) and get puked on within seconds. We know the difference between a pain cry, a tired cry, a hungry cry, a startled cry and a whine within the first three seconds. I would bet most of us would admit we know these things better than anyone else and yet why can’t we even begin to give a care at all and support each other?

Being a stay at home mom doesn’t make you rich or lazy. Being a working mom doesn’t make you any less of a parent. Using cloth diapers doesn’t make you a hippy and using Pampers doesn’t mean you hate the Earth. Don’t get me started on feedings, you can find my thoughts on that HERE. Having a sick kiddo doesn’t mean you are dirty and giving a child medicine because you think they might be teething does not mean your child will be addicted to pain pills. Montessori vs child care, home school vs public. I’m seeing posts, especially now about ‘Moms of boys need to be prayed for because we don’t get the tea parties’ or ‘Moms of girls should be checked in on more because cars don’t entertain for hours’…. Moms in general need to be prayed for. Moms in general need to be checked in on. Why are there two sides? Why is there a line in the sand? Why are we divided?

Bottom line: we’re not. 

We, as a collective group, are warriors. We give everything we have, love deeper than we thought possible, deplete ourselves of every cell in our being for the emotional, physical, and mental well being of another. That, in and of itself, should absolutely puts us on the same team. 

If you are a mom, from a baby in your belly or to fully grown adult children, I am here for you. I might not know your struggles but I can empathize and sympathize with them. You are stronger than you believe and greater than you give yourself credit for. I don’t have to know you to tell you: you are amazing. 

Same team.

Mom team. 

Forever.

10 Newborn Phase ‘Things’

Even though I went through this just a few years ago, I forgot a few things about the newborn state. In no particular order:

1. Formula burps smell AWFUL.
2. The ‘tar’ stage of poop takes many, many, many wipes to clean up.
3. The grunting in the middle of the night is truly louder than at any other time of day.
4. The ‘first smile’ counts even though you know it’s just gas.
5. The baby knows every single time your food is heated and ready to be eaten.
6. Rocking and patting at the same tempo notwithstanding, the second you sit down their eyes will open.
7. You will feel like you are going to snap a limb trying to get a newborn outfit on, no matter how small their body is.
8. Changing a diaper in the middle of the night will take 3x as long and the baby will cry 3x as loud.
9. The most terrifying job is cutting their sharp fingernails.
10. Time is a thief and this stage is never long enough.

New Mom

I came home from birthing my second daughter and while I would have never said it out loud I kinda thought ‘I’ve got this’. I mean let’s be honest, I’ve done this before. I know how to keep a newborn alive. Eat, sleep, poop, right? I’ve got it.

Insert God laughing.

I looked at myself in the mirror and laughed with Him. I was walking definition of a ‘new mom’. My unwashed shirt was covered in spit up even though I was sporting the shoulder burp cloth. My hair was in a messy bun, not in the cute Pinterest way. I had bags under my bloodshot eyes and my socks didn’t match. When had I showered last? How long ago did I apply dry shampoo? Those answers I did not know. That was the moment I knew this post needed to be written.

Because of COVID my parents had tested before the came and were kind enough to stay for a week postpartum to help with our eldest daughter and to get every adjusted. I knew, in my heart of hearts, the day they packed their suitcases that I was not ready. I was not adequate, this was not going to go well. I needed them. I needed help. Because my husband’s job doesn’t give any paternal leave (don’t get me started on that) he had taken 1.5 days off post coming home and then went back to work. While he is still working partially from home, he is still working. So I went from 3 people helping to 0 very fast. And boy, did it hit me like a ton of bricks.

For those of you pregnant, don’t be scared. For those of you pregnant with older siblings, don’t be scared. This was just my experience. These are my words, from my overly tired brain, hoping that someone connects to my words and feels not so alone.

I forgot what getting up in the middle of the night multiple times does for ones body. Not even just mentally being so exhausted you can’t think straight, but physically it takes a toll. Seriously, why do we lock people up after committing a crime? Let’s just make them stay awake for 5 days straight, that’ll do the trick! I forgot what waking up to a crying baby does for your heart. I’m not talking about just the hungry cry; I’m talking the painful unable to tell you what is wrong heart wrenching cry because trust me you learn the differences of cries within days of meeting your baby. I forgot the way it makes you feel when you can’t make everything better.

I chose to forget the joys of postpartum body. The mental fight that I have between wanting to ‘start working on my body’ again to physically being unable to go for a walk without feeling pain. The aches and pains that might have gone away with the extra weight is replaced by aches, pains and bleeding in other places. Don’t even get me started on breastfeeding.

‘Sleep when the baby sleeps’ was not created by a mom of multiples. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be this hard having enough energy to get through the night with a newborn, only to wake up having an energetic toddler throughout the day. There is no sleep. There is a lot of coffee.

But then I also forgot the a few other things.

I forgot first coo’s. I forgot the first smile that literally melts you. The way that you are the best comforter and how sweet their little finger holding onto yours matters. I forgot no matter how tired you are, sometimes you just want to watch them sleep. I forgot that the little moments matter, and I am thankful to be reminded of them now.

T, U, V

T: Ten and toes! She knows how to count to ten, but we started counting by 10’s this week. Concept is totally lost on her but she is learning and taking in every new word I throw her way. Everything might be memorizing or repeating what I’m saying but she is becoming familiar with new concepts and I love watching her learn. Remember the Target Rainbow find? Yeah, that came through again! The 10 ‘monsters’ as we called them allowed us to lay on the floor and just color together. Quality time just her and I. This was also Valentines week (we started ‘V’ early) but as a gift to her dad we painted her (and her baby sisters) toes and placed them together to make hearts. Want to drive yourself crazy and insert a few screaming minutes into your life? Try to paint your toddlers toes (who hates being dirty), your infants toes (who is ready to eat), all on about 2 hours of nonconsecutive sleep. Happy Valentine’s Day, babe. That was a labor of love!

U: Umbrella I don’t really know the age umbrellas should be introduced to kids but my child is small. Small small. The umbrella would be the size of her and I’m unsure she would be able to keep it over her head without actually falling backwards. So instead we talked about the seasons and rain (or snow because this was during a snow storm) and I just drew an umbrella and she finger painted the rain drops. I’m learning if I want her to paint, giving her a medium that isn’t a body part is the best way for her. She truly hates being dirty. She will wipe her finger after every dip, and if the paint doesn’t come off right away it bothers her until it does.

V: Valentines We started this a few weeks early because of the holiday but I had taken her to the store to pick our Valentines and we would sit down a few at a time and she and I would write her name (which she would spell) and the friends name. We also mailed some to our family and friends far away, and mailbox delivered (thanks Covid) ones to our friends who live near by. Because we are starting to sound out words I also started her on five and counting by 5’s……. no judgement, we tried. But no, she has no idea what this crazy mom is asking of her!

Her first birthday was also ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’ by Eric Carle theme so we read that book, played with her caterpillar ball and completed a big floor puzzle she was given.

Quarantine Pregnancy

There is literally so much I could say on this topic but I had to work through it in my mind before I could start writing it down. I have not mentioned it here before but we welcomed our second daughter on New Year’s Eve and she is wonderful. We love her and we are adjusting, but doing everything in the middle of COVID is freaking hard.

Being pregnant during a pandemic is not something we planned for nor is it something anyone would choose. My husband went to ONE appointment throughout my entire pregnancy and that was because I was considered ‘high risk.’ It was my 20 week ultrasound. I went through 3 appointments back to back to back where they were sending me for emergency ultrasounds because they were unable to find a heartbeat, and I went to all of them alone. I went through blood tests and ultrasounds, regular check ups, and had conversations about inductions for both of our daughter alone. My doctor swept my membranes, which by the way is not just uncomfortable, it hurts, and I went through it alone. I was told my husband would be able to be in the birthing room. I was told my husband wouldn’t be able to be in the hospital because it was ‘closed to visitors’. I was told he could be in the waiting room but would have to leave once she was born. I was told we would be separated from our infant if we tested positive or that she could stay with us but we would be in a specialized room. We went round and round feeling like every week’s appointment came with a new update, new information, new restrictions.

I was in active labor when they stuck the swab up both of my nostrils. I was in active labor trying to answer questions in between contractions while breathing through a mask. I was also that mom that chucked her mask on the floor during pushing because I genuinely couldn’t breathe. I don’t scream or cuss, I didn’t cry or yell during labor. I birthed her unmedicated. The mask was the last thing that I cared about.

[Let me add a side note here. While I was scared to have a baby in what felt like COVID ground zero, I have to admit I felt so, so, so safe. The hospital I gave birth in was so clean, the staff so safe, even to the point of not allowing people to be in the same hallway if we were being moved to a different location. I could not have asked for more.]

We had no family or friends waiting out in the waiting room for us to tell them she had arrived. No one was able to meet my daughter in the hospital, no one was able to hold her or smell her, no one was able to congratulate Greg with a firm handshake, or me with a hug. Instead we were planning out Zoom call times that worked with everyone’s schedules and all of the tests the hospital needed from us. We were sending Marco Polo videos to siblings and video texts to close family members announcing her arrival. The worst part? Her older sister was unable to meet us in the hospital. For the first time since she was born, I went two nights without being with her and she had no idea why. Once we were released from the hospital my husband was still unable to come to any of her doctor appointments. That’s right, I was taking my three day old back to the doctor by myself because he was unable to be in the room. We were discussing eating plans and loss of birth weight (again having a small baby) by myself.

Being pregnant gave me my daughter, completed our family, made us whole. But being pregnant during a pandemic was the wildest thing I have ever experienced. I’ll be glad to never do that again.

I have been scared, I have been frustrated, I have been upset. I have been nervous, in disbelief, and mad; but mostly my heart has felt heavy for the past year. I think we can all agree, we are ready for this to be over.

But then that’s how we remember: We are all in this together.